


Good Morning, Collinsport!

by SilverShortyyy



Series: Little Black Dresses and Little Hot Messes [1]
Category: Dark Shadows (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 12:27:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10853994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShortyyy/pseuds/SilverShortyyy
Summary: After escaping from the bottom of a lake, Julia Hoffman settles back in with her favorite Collins Family. Just a regular morning in the wonderful manor, where three vampires and a werewolf love to enjoy a daily drink of blood.





	Good Morning, Collinsport!

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by 'Good Morning, Baltimore!' because for some reason the sentence played it my mind when I asked myself what the should title be.

At some point, there was suddenly a brick that shot out of the middle of the lake, then something that looked like a mermaid in a sack wrapped in chains was on the docks. As they've seen weirder things the last few months (Angie is a witch? Barnabas Collins is alive and a vampire? The governess was turned into a vampire? The boy's dead mother is a ghost?!), the fishermen approached the body with little more than an ounce of caution, knowing it couldn't possibly beat everything else that's happened at Collinsport.

As it turned out, they were wrong.

"No wonder you don't like it! Carolyn, get me some more blood!" On her usual couch and as drunk as she's ever been, Dr. Julia Hoffman sits lounging around while trying to nurse a hangover with, what do you know, more blood-dropped alcohol. "I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea."

"Why don't you do it yourself, dammit?!" Carolyn storms off into the kitchens and grumbles loudly while she's at it. At the same time, Elizabeth enters the room where, apart from Julia, Barnabas and Victoria sit in as well. Barnabas leans on the wall beside a closed window, and Victoria sits on an arm of the couch where Julia lies.

Elizabeth only has to take one look before she visibly cringes. It was house-wide common knowledge that Elizabeth often wondered how the hell she got from abnormal to hellishly fantastical, seeing as once upon a time she was the matriarch that held the whole damn house together, and now she was still the matriarch except she had to manage three _vampires_ and a _werewolf_ , not to mention David and his _ghost mother_ and _oh God_ don't get her started on the town.

She remembers the night Julia came back, when the townspeople had come knocking on their—new and improved—doorstep with a soaking Julia behind them.

 _"I'm not dead or undead. And I want human blood."_ Were Julia's first words to her that night.

"I mean, sure I can be beautiful for as long as I live and I'll live forever, but it's so tiring to have to be thirsty all the time, I mean good God even if I drink lion blood I'd still be thristy for humans'."

"Like how you're thirsty all the time for Barnabas?"

"Ye— NO CAROLYN, DAMMIT!" Carolyn had come walking in with a pitcher of blood and three glasses, setting it all down and filling the three glasses with blood. Julia stretches her arm and holds out her shot glass still half-filled with scotch, which Carolyn fills halfway with blood. Carolyn hands one glass to Victoria and the other to Barnabas, the other she brings to her lips and sips. "But really, I can't believe I didn't weigh this first."

"Yes, because you had thought to weigh something else entirely with your mouth first, didn't you?" At this insinuation, Barnabas receives an eyeroll from Julia and amused chuckles from Carolyn and Victoria, whilst Elizabeth stands somewhere by a wall wondering how the hell she allowed them to casually drink _blood_ as if it's _red wine_.

Victoria sips at her glass before holding it on her lap. "Well to be fair, Barnabas, you did tell Julia that she was the most beautiful creature that ever lived."

"I told her that she must have _started out_ as the most beautiful creature that ever lived." He replies with a rather annoyed expression on his face, a scowl on his lips as he feels the argument slowly sliding away from him.

"He's got a point though. 'Started out as beautiful' could mean 'currently ugly and undateable' so," and Carolyn shrugs to finish her statement. She takes a gulp of her blood drink with a look at Julia's hurt and disapproving look. "Could mean 'still pretty' but hey, what's a teenager like me s'pposed to know?"

Julia rolls her eyes. Elizabeth nearly rolls her eyes with Julia; they had this argument every day, for nearly twelve hours straight. And nearly every time they drank blood with it, Julia always with alcohol-diluted blood. Add Carolyn in the mix, and Elizabeth would not give a damn about saying this is like listening to the same tape over and over and over again.

"What I'm saying is, this doesn't sound like what everyone makes it to be! I mean, Jesus, it's like turning into a cannibal or something." And Elizabeth could probably record this conversation and mistaken it for yesterday's. Good God, how did she get into this?

"At least you don't get random urges to... Chase birds or walk on four limbs." Carolyn takes a seat on the table, feet stretched on the cool marble floors. When not in her werewolf phase, her features are just as they are and she looks like a normal teenage girl save for her being a Collins. Though that didn't mean she was safe from werewolf urges in the middle of daylight.

Julia takes a sip of her blood-diluted scotch with an agreeable shrug. Carolyn did make a point, and God knows she'd rather thirst for human blood than suddenly get the urge to—what?—scratch the back of her ear with her foot or something. So Julia just agrees, although a plus on Carolyn is she can walk in the daylight without burning.

"Vicky!" Comes the shout from the hallway. Bursting in the room, David waves a notebook while he grips a pen on his other hand. "I finished it! Come check!"

With a smile, Vicki stands up from her perch on an arm of Julia's couch (did Julia sit around _that_ much that it became _her_ couch?) and downs the remainder of her blood drink, exiting the room with an ecstatic David.

"Alright, I'll check it. You better have got it this time, hm?"

Nearly imperceptible, Barnabas smiles from his shadowy place, watching Vicky as she fades into the hallway with David. Elizabeth can't help how her eyes scan Barnabas; that pale complexion and those dark eyes, that stiff posture that could only really be from someone coming from the sixteenth century. But since his stay, it's become easier to make him loosen up, so much to the point that he could watch television without thinking that there's some witchery behind it.

When she catches movement on his eye, she quickly looks away, not wishing for him to catch her looking. So instead she settles on the sight of Dr. Julia Hoffman on the couch that is so oddly hers, with how long the damn woman seems to stay on it for the duration of not only a day, or a week, but the entire time she's stayed in this house. Even before Barnabas came.


End file.
